Moving Right Along

I'm happy to report that I'm moving!

 

Moving Out of the Puddle

My last post was about living in a puddle, both literally and figuratively.  I was sitting in a puddle waiting for God to do something big with my life.  I had tried long enough to do things on my own (without God's help) and I had resigned myself to become as "puddle-like" as possible until God was ready to pour me into something better.

Well, good news is God didn't have me waiting too long.  Yes, I was humbled (being turned down by 20+ jobs will do that to you).  Yes, I had learned my lesson - I cannot just tell God my plans, I need to wait for His will to be done in my life.  Yes, I was more than ready to pack my bags and start a new journey.

Moving Into the Sunlight

It's finally happening!  Not long after my post about my proverbial puddle, I received a call from a school in Green Bay offering me a full time teaching position with benefits!  I signed my contract, passed my drug test (with flying colors), and have an id badge with my picture and a key to my very own classroom!

This is truly my dream job.  I am working with middle school students which is an age group that I really enjoy and really feel a burden for (seriously, middle school is such a rough age).  It is in a school that has many high-risk and high-need students, and word on the street is that it has a fantastic faculty!  I could not have hand-picked a better job for myself.

I visited the school the other day to meet the principals and get a formal tour.  I was greeted with hugs from both the principal and the assistant principal.  I know this is not normal and sounds a little weird, but I LOVE hugs so I instantly felt like a part of the school.

And if landing a new job wasn't enough, I've also found a new place to live with a great new roommate.

Approximately 3 days after the phone call about the job, I was invited to a friend's bible study.  The topic of where I would live was brought up and another girl in the study asked if I was going to be looking for a roommate and if I would be interested in living with her because she too was looking for a roommate. 

Amanda is great.  She is a fellow teacher and reminds me so much of one of my college friends.  Within a week we had met, decided to live together, hung out like four times, looked at apartments, decided on an apartment, met with the management, and gotten approved.  We sign the lease on Friday.  I cannot believe how fast that process went but it's been a huge blessing.


Yes indeed, I am moving into the sunlight of God's plan for me.

Packing Those Boxes

This week is packing week.  Not only am I moving boxes of teaching materials out of my parents house and into my classroom, I am also moving basically my whole room to a new location.  I don't know what my parents are going to do with all the new storage space in my room, closet and the basement. 

What an adventure these past two weeks have been.  I asked God to help me get out of the puddle.  I thought it would be a process of slowly inching my way out with God's help, but He has basically plucked me out and set me down in the sun. 

 

Many blogs have yet to be written about 8 months of trying to be patient and wait on the Lord.  Those will come but for now I praise God for a new job, a new home, a new roommate and many new adventures to come!

Life in the Puddle

Tonight I rode my bike to the YMCA to work out.  It's like double the workout if you do that.

Not a good idea...

On the way home it rained.  Hard.  It hasn't rained in like two weeks and the sky decides to open up the ONE time I've ridden my bike to the Y this whole summer!
Needless to say, I arrive home in a big wet puddle.  My backpack was wet, my helmet was dripping and I had to peel my clothes off of me.  I was one big messy puddle.

My life feels that way right now.  At the drop of a hat, I am reduced to tears.  Sometimes I cannot open my mouth for fear that the water welling up in my eyes will start to trickle down my face.

I have been applying to jobs for about four months now.  I've applied to approximately 20 jobs in about 17 different cities in Wisconsin.  I've been to 9 interviews.  And after each interview I have received a phone call that goes a little something like this "You were great.  We loved your passion, we loved your enthusiasm.  Your life experiences are great.  You were an ideal candidate.  BUT we're giving the job to someone with a little more classroom experience."  It's also usually followed up by a "don't give up".

Encouraging and discouraging all at the same time.  After the last two "NO's" (that came within two hours of each other), I couldn't help but laugh as the tears flowed. 

But this is not a pity-party.  This is just my reality.

It's frustrating.  It's difficult to want to teach so badly and not be able to.

Obviously all this uncertainty and the frustration that comes with not having a job has left be a bit of an emotional mess.  Like I said, I can be reduced to a puddle very easily. 

 

Learning to be a puddle.

I am learning to be a puddle.

I am learning to TRUST God and not my emotions.  God called me home to the US to teach.  God has a bigger plan for my life than I can imagine.  God is going to bring me the perfect job in His perfect timing.

I am learning not to rely on my emotions or the "facts".  My emotions want to be jealous of my friends who got jobs on their first job interview.  My emotions want to give up and say "I don't care".  The facts are: I'm fluent in two languages and have spent two years working with "at-risk" kids.  The facts are: I would be really cheap to hire because of my lack of experience.  But when I rely on my emotions, that means I don't give trust to God.  So I am learning to ignore the emotions.

I am learning that God wants me to be a puddle.  When I am a puddle it means that I have given up my desires and my selfishness.  As a puddle, I can be poured into any container...I can be what God wants me to be and go where God wants me to go.

When I am vulnerable and at my weakest and in a big puddle, God uses me because I don't resist His promptings.  I am most useful and a puddle.  And so I sit in my puddle and I wait.  I wait on God to pour me into the perfect job.  The job that is perfect by His standards (not mine) in the place that is perfect for me to serve Him (not myself).

A puddle is not what I would have chosen to be.  But then again, what do I know?

Permanence

El Olam: The Everlasting God/The Eternal God

At first this seemed like a "duh" name for me.  Of course I know that God is everlasting and eternal, it's one of the key points of Christianity.  God has no beginning and no end.  God's plans stand firm forever.  God's love endures forever.  He is the everlasting and eternal God.  This I knew.

But what had me reflecting on the name "El Olam" is the idea of permanence.  The author writes "God doesn't toy around with promises because He knows they are permanent". 

God promises us salvation.  Permanence.
God promises us that we are heirs.  Permanence.
God promises us a place in heaven.  Permanence.

God's promises will not only be completed, they will NEVER be overturned.

Our testimonies are permanent. 
The things that I have done can never be un-done.  Every thing I do, every word I say is added to my permanent testimony.  It can never be overturned.

That permanence has had me thinking a lot about my role in other people's testimonies.  I never know when God is going to use me in someone else's life.  I never know how my words, my actions, my service impacts the testimony of those that I interact with on a daily basis.

I am part of God's permanent plan.  I've been convicted.
Am I living that way?  Am I intentional?

I've been convicted:
God is everlasting and eternal. 
God is permanent. 
God's plan is permanent. 
We are all part of God's permanent plan. 

Are we living that out on a daily basis?

Hagar's God

Recently, I have started reading a book/devotional called "Praying the Names of God" by Ann Spangler.  Hondurans LOVE naming their businesses different names of God (to show their faith) and since being back I wanted to be intentional about learning the different names of God and how each name is unique to His relationship with us.  I have found the commentary and the reflection to be so good for my soul.  I'm learning as much about myself as I am about the faces of God.


El Roi: The God Who Sees Me

The author emphasizes that this name was only used ONCE in the Bible - when Hagar was alone in the desert after being dismissed by Abraham.  Hagar cried out to God and He saw her in her distress. 

But it wasn't necessary for Hagar to cry out to God because God already saw her.  He knew her.  He was fully aware of what had happened in her past, what was happening in her present, and what would happen in her future. 

God knew Hagar because He saw her.
God knows us because He sees us.

And God knows EVERYTHING...

I took a few things away during my time of reflection and meditation on God's name.

1)  He is the God who SEES us , NOT the God who WATCHES us.

This is especially important in today's society.  When someone is watching us, we feel a little anxious that we may do something wrong.  It's intimidating to have someone say "I'm watching you".  God is not like that.  He is not waiting for us to make a mistake so that He can jump in and punish us.  Rather, God sees us.  He sees us when we feel invisible or worthless.  He sees us when no body else does.  God takes notice of us.

2) God seeing everything we do means that we can hide NOTHING from Him.

God sees the good we do.  He takes notice of us when others don't.  He also sees the sins we try to hide from the world.  He sees us when we wrestle with making decisions.  He sees us when we are trying to be unseen.  We cannot hide from God's seeing eyes.

God sees us because He knows us.  God sees us because He loves us.

God could turn a blind eye to us.  He could throw His hands up in frustration after we've sinned for the trillionth time.  But He doesn't.  He continues to see us and to know us.  He does this because He loves us.

El Roi never sleeps, He never misses a beat.  El Roi sees our past, present, and future.  El Roi - the God who only appeared one time in the Bible - is the God who is with us today.

And as Ann Spangler puts it "El Roi is on the lookout for men and women totally committed to Him because He wants to strengthen their hearts as they serve Him".

God is on the lookout, are we doing everything in our power to make what He is seeing worthwhile, holy and worthy of Him?

Me, Myself, and I

After two weeks of being back in the US, I went to my pastor at church and asked him what I could do.  His response: "NOTHING".

I was shocked.  I had spent two years as a missionary, surely there could be a place that I could help out: Sunday School, Youth Group, Women's Ministry....

But thank God, I have a very wise pastor who really knew what was going on.  I had spent two years serving other people, focusing on other people, meeting the needs of other people.  I didn't know how to NOT be doing something for other people. 

I needed to be needed.  I found my worth in being "there" for people, resolving problems, cooking meals, and answering questions. 

My pastor (being the wise man he is) suggested that I take some time off to focus on me, to re-group, to pray about God's plan for my life.  I followed his advice but very half-hearted, and within the month I had somehow managed to sneak my way in to leading a bible study at church. 

Fast forward to June.  My long-term sub job is over and I'm house-sitting through the summer and working on job applications.  I have a lot of free time.  A LOT. 

So I've been praying...praying about God's plan for my life.  And God has been showing me how to focus on myself.  Not in that selfish "I'm the most important thing" way, but learning how to focus on Him and how to grow deeper in my reliance on Him. 

(more of that to come...I'm learning a lot of patience, trusting the Lord and humility through this job application process)

But back to me...
I've been reading my Bible more, communicating with God more, and really processing the last 25 years of life.  I've been working on taking care of my body (eating healthy and working out), making new friends, and setting goals for my future.

It's been a beautiful process and I kind of feel like the caterpillar in his cocoon.  I've already lived a good chunk of life, but now I'm taking a break.  I've learned and I've grown and now I'm in a stage of being "alone" to process what is about to come.

I can't say that I am as patient as a caterpillar but I'm working on it.  I'm excited to break out and see the adventures that will come as a butterfly, but I know that I'm not quite there yet.  I have to wait patiently and be still before God.  And once He thinks I'm ready, I get to break out and fly!

Cannot wait to see what God has in store!

thirteen.one

I HATE RUNNING

Well, at least I used to.  Running used to be a punishment for me - pushing my legs and lungs to the breaking point.  Always being the last person to complete the soccer training runs.  No thank you.  I hated running in groups because I was so slow, but running alone was worse.  Being miserable AND alone...definition of a bad day.


Then Honduras happened.   For lack of other options, I began running on Central American Highway 5 that runs through Nicaragua, Honduras and into Guatemala.  I shared the road with bulls, dogs, farmers, and semi-trucks.  Running became my hour "off".  I ran up and down mountains in the heat of mid-day.  I received marriage proposals from the men working in the fields, I fought off an occasional angry dog, and I connected with God.

God as a Running Partner
God has a lot of names in the Bible, but I don't think "workout buddy" is one of them. Who would have thought I'd find peace and calmness in the middle of doing something that I hated? 
I ran without music and allowed my thoughts to wander.  They almost always settled into a series of prayers.  Prayers for my kiddos, prayers for my family and friends, and lots of questions to God. 

And God always showed up for my runs.
No matter the hour (5 am on Saturdays), the length (3-4 mile loop to the local "pueblo") or the weather (down-pours vs. blistering heat).  God always showed up.  He never made me run alone.   Best running partner EVER.

Fast-forward about 6 months.

I arrived back in the US in mid-December.  All of a sudden I was thrown into reverse culture shock like nothing I have experienced.  It was awful.  I cried in my car, I cried watching movies, I cried in coffee shops.  I went from sharing a bathroom and bedroom with 7 teenage girls to almost living alone (my parents both worked all day).  All of a sudden I had freedom and choice and was responsible for me and ONLY me.

Running was my constant.  So I ran.
3 miles, 5 miles, 8 miles.  They started creeping up.  I registered for my first ever race: a Valentine 15k in the middle of December.  Race day saw temperatures of -10 degrees...actually the coldest day of winter this year. 

After that race was done I registered for a half-marathon and started training.
One again God was my running partner.  He saw me through early morning runs on the track at the local Y.  14 laps to a mile X 10 miles = a lot of quality prayer. 

And then race day came.  13.1 miles, 7,000+ people.  Unusually hot temperatures.
Ready, set, go!

And then God showed up. 
God showed up in the people who lined the streets of Green Bay.  They showed up early and stayed late.  They sat out in the heat of the day to cheer on complete strangers.  Every time I needed that extra energy, I would see the crowd up ahead encouraging me to push harder and dig deeper.

God showed up on the street.  At various points, I would look down and see Isaiah 40:31 written in chalk.  "But those who trust in the Lord will find new strength.  They will soar high on wings like eagles.  They will run and not grow weary.  They will walk and not be faint."  I almost cried seeing that verse.  God is in EVERYTHING...not just the "churchy" stuff.  I can glorify God through running just as much as I can glorify Him when I'm reading the Bible.

Why would I have expected anything less? 
God continues to show up in my life, even when I least expect it.  He re-directs my thoughts, He gives me the energy to put one foot in front of the other.  God doesn't just want my "church" time...He wants all my time.  I can glorify Him though ALL my actions...including running.

So the girl who hated running?  That's me.  Running is no longer my punishment, it's now my therapy time.  The hour (or two) each day when I can clear my head of the day and focus on my Creator.  A time to think, pray, and just BE with God.  Running has become the constant in my life - something I need to do.  It goes on my "to-do" list each day, right after my daily devotionals.

So the girl who hated running?  Well she's signed up for a full marathon in September.  26.2 miles to connect with God...4+ hours of prayer, meditation, and lots of encouragement. 

Ready, set, go!

Faithfulness

I've been home for a month now. A MONTH!

I can't believe it's been a month since I said goodbye to my "hermanitos" and headed home to the land of dairy and frozen tundra.

The return has been a little difficult. Some things I have experienced are:

1) wanting to speak in Spanish when no-body else does
2) breaking into tears when I'm driving in my car
3) crying in coffee shops
4) the desire to hear/read Spanish
5) breaking into tears during basic conversation
6) having people correct my grammar and vocabulary

However...

There is always a silver lining, and my silver lining is that God has been teaching me so much during this transition back. I've had a hunger for His Word and have been diving into the pages of Scripture. In return, God has been showing me so much lately, especially in the pages of Psalms.

Psalm 33:4

For the word of the Lord is right and true; he is faithful in all he does.

How many times do we use the word faithful to describe God? What does that really mean?

I looked it up in the dictionary.

Faithful: true to one's promises, vows, etc

Faithful: reliable, trusted, believed

Faithful: steady in allegiance or affection, loyal, constant

BLOWN AWAY!!

I was absolutely blown away by all these descriptions of God. Yes, He fits them all, but let's be honest -- how often to we take the time to give God the glory for all these attributes?

And let's apply that to our relationship with Christ. He is always loyal, steady, constant, and true. He can always be relied upon, trusted, and believed.

Where else does a relationship like that exist?
Truth is: it doesn't. No matter how much we love our spouses, parents, siblings, friends, pastor, etc, we are NEVER going to find a relationship like we have with God. We are never going to find perfection like God's. It just DOESN'T EXIST in this broken world.


So as I transition back, I am daily reminded of God's faithfulness to me. He is my constant. He keeps me steady. I can lean back on Him and know that He will fulfill His promises.

It's God's faithfulness that keeps me planted firmly on the Rock.