Life in the Puddle

Tonight I rode my bike to the YMCA to work out.  It's like double the workout if you do that.

Not a good idea...

On the way home it rained.  Hard.  It hasn't rained in like two weeks and the sky decides to open up the ONE time I've ridden my bike to the Y this whole summer!
Needless to say, I arrive home in a big wet puddle.  My backpack was wet, my helmet was dripping and I had to peel my clothes off of me.  I was one big messy puddle.

My life feels that way right now.  At the drop of a hat, I am reduced to tears.  Sometimes I cannot open my mouth for fear that the water welling up in my eyes will start to trickle down my face.

I have been applying to jobs for about four months now.  I've applied to approximately 20 jobs in about 17 different cities in Wisconsin.  I've been to 9 interviews.  And after each interview I have received a phone call that goes a little something like this "You were great.  We loved your passion, we loved your enthusiasm.  Your life experiences are great.  You were an ideal candidate.  BUT we're giving the job to someone with a little more classroom experience."  It's also usually followed up by a "don't give up".

Encouraging and discouraging all at the same time.  After the last two "NO's" (that came within two hours of each other), I couldn't help but laugh as the tears flowed. 

But this is not a pity-party.  This is just my reality.

It's frustrating.  It's difficult to want to teach so badly and not be able to.

Obviously all this uncertainty and the frustration that comes with not having a job has left be a bit of an emotional mess.  Like I said, I can be reduced to a puddle very easily. 

 

Learning to be a puddle.

I am learning to be a puddle.

I am learning to TRUST God and not my emotions.  God called me home to the US to teach.  God has a bigger plan for my life than I can imagine.  God is going to bring me the perfect job in His perfect timing.

I am learning not to rely on my emotions or the "facts".  My emotions want to be jealous of my friends who got jobs on their first job interview.  My emotions want to give up and say "I don't care".  The facts are: I'm fluent in two languages and have spent two years working with "at-risk" kids.  The facts are: I would be really cheap to hire because of my lack of experience.  But when I rely on my emotions, that means I don't give trust to God.  So I am learning to ignore the emotions.

I am learning that God wants me to be a puddle.  When I am a puddle it means that I have given up my desires and my selfishness.  As a puddle, I can be poured into any container...I can be what God wants me to be and go where God wants me to go.

When I am vulnerable and at my weakest and in a big puddle, God uses me because I don't resist His promptings.  I am most useful and a puddle.  And so I sit in my puddle and I wait.  I wait on God to pour me into the perfect job.  The job that is perfect by His standards (not mine) in the place that is perfect for me to serve Him (not myself).

A puddle is not what I would have chosen to be.  But then again, what do I know?

Permanence

El Olam: The Everlasting God/The Eternal God

At first this seemed like a "duh" name for me.  Of course I know that God is everlasting and eternal, it's one of the key points of Christianity.  God has no beginning and no end.  God's plans stand firm forever.  God's love endures forever.  He is the everlasting and eternal God.  This I knew.

But what had me reflecting on the name "El Olam" is the idea of permanence.  The author writes "God doesn't toy around with promises because He knows they are permanent". 

God promises us salvation.  Permanence.
God promises us that we are heirs.  Permanence.
God promises us a place in heaven.  Permanence.

God's promises will not only be completed, they will NEVER be overturned.

Our testimonies are permanent. 
The things that I have done can never be un-done.  Every thing I do, every word I say is added to my permanent testimony.  It can never be overturned.

That permanence has had me thinking a lot about my role in other people's testimonies.  I never know when God is going to use me in someone else's life.  I never know how my words, my actions, my service impacts the testimony of those that I interact with on a daily basis.

I am part of God's permanent plan.  I've been convicted.
Am I living that way?  Am I intentional?

I've been convicted:
God is everlasting and eternal. 
God is permanent. 
God's plan is permanent. 
We are all part of God's permanent plan. 

Are we living that out on a daily basis?

Hagar's God

Recently, I have started reading a book/devotional called "Praying the Names of God" by Ann Spangler.  Hondurans LOVE naming their businesses different names of God (to show their faith) and since being back I wanted to be intentional about learning the different names of God and how each name is unique to His relationship with us.  I have found the commentary and the reflection to be so good for my soul.  I'm learning as much about myself as I am about the faces of God.


El Roi: The God Who Sees Me

The author emphasizes that this name was only used ONCE in the Bible - when Hagar was alone in the desert after being dismissed by Abraham.  Hagar cried out to God and He saw her in her distress. 

But it wasn't necessary for Hagar to cry out to God because God already saw her.  He knew her.  He was fully aware of what had happened in her past, what was happening in her present, and what would happen in her future. 

God knew Hagar because He saw her.
God knows us because He sees us.

And God knows EVERYTHING...

I took a few things away during my time of reflection and meditation on God's name.

1)  He is the God who SEES us , NOT the God who WATCHES us.

This is especially important in today's society.  When someone is watching us, we feel a little anxious that we may do something wrong.  It's intimidating to have someone say "I'm watching you".  God is not like that.  He is not waiting for us to make a mistake so that He can jump in and punish us.  Rather, God sees us.  He sees us when we feel invisible or worthless.  He sees us when no body else does.  God takes notice of us.

2) God seeing everything we do means that we can hide NOTHING from Him.

God sees the good we do.  He takes notice of us when others don't.  He also sees the sins we try to hide from the world.  He sees us when we wrestle with making decisions.  He sees us when we are trying to be unseen.  We cannot hide from God's seeing eyes.

God sees us because He knows us.  God sees us because He loves us.

God could turn a blind eye to us.  He could throw His hands up in frustration after we've sinned for the trillionth time.  But He doesn't.  He continues to see us and to know us.  He does this because He loves us.

El Roi never sleeps, He never misses a beat.  El Roi sees our past, present, and future.  El Roi - the God who only appeared one time in the Bible - is the God who is with us today.

And as Ann Spangler puts it "El Roi is on the lookout for men and women totally committed to Him because He wants to strengthen their hearts as they serve Him".

God is on the lookout, are we doing everything in our power to make what He is seeing worthwhile, holy and worthy of Him?